My revenge on a spam-trickster

The spammer wanted to invest in medicine, poultry or real estate.

They're mostly blocked by spam filters, but I still occasionally graze through the junk mail folder to enjoy the hundreds of offers of easy money. A born-again widow in the Congo has only months to live and wants to deposit $14 million in my bank account becaue she has heard that I am "trustworthy" and will spend the money "for the relief of needy orphans." A bank official in Nigeria wants my help to smuggle $40 million from the dormant account of a wealthy foreigner who died without leaving an heir. If I agree, I can keep $8 million as a service fee. My email address was randomly attached to winning ticket #508-876-0X29UEK in the "Euro Super Lotto, Ltd." I simply need to share some personal information and my winnings will be wired directly to my bank. Discretion, of course, is required.

Here's one recent proposition that somehow evaded the spam filter. It's generally in proper idiomatic English: normally, spam fraud reads as if the spammer were translating from Chinese to English on Babelfish. But there are enough mistakes—a misplaced comma here, a capitalized noun there—to identify the spammer as anybody but "James David Mark" of "Lloyd's Chambers" in "Belfast."

From: mr james david mark [mailto:dmrjames1@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, September 19, 2007 2:39 PM
Subject: INVESTMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY

Dear Partner,

I am in search of a profitable Real Estate or medical investment business in your Country and I would be glad if you can assist me in any way possible. Alternatively, we can both go into a joint partnership investment business once we are both satisfied with agreements reached and after we get to know each other better.

I would like to invest my family's finances, in your Country under your care and full management. Since I have never been able to visit your Country before, I
believe investing through you as a citizen will make it a lot easier for us. If you are interested, please get back to me and I will introduce you to our fund managers and bankers.

We will provide the finances required for the investment. Our first choice of investment is medical business which I believe never depreciates in value. Large scale poultry or Real Estate business will also be regarded as a good offer. The amount we have can provide us with any good business investment depending on how it is managed after you receive it.

I cannot send you more details until I hear from you and find out what type of investment ideas is more lucrative in your country at the moment.

Thanks and Regards,
James David Mark.
Lloyd's Chambers
Portsoken Street
BT1 8BN
Belfast, Northern Ireland.
Direct email:jdmark111@yahoo.co.uk

I don't normally take the time to play cat-and-mouse with these artless con artists, but I had a few minutes to kill. For good measure, I threw in a number of idiomatic oddities for realism's sake.

Dear Mr. Mark,

Allow me to introduce myself: I am Dr. Tiffany Glas Grafin von Scheissdorf-Buttersworth, a Citizen of the United States of America and sometime resident of Switzerland. I am Director of Endophrenology at the Cleveland Heights Clinic, a world-renown medical research center with branches into several countries.

I am also, in my spare time, co-owner with my late husband, one formerly Lionel Buttersworth, of a large Poultry Farm on 150,000 acres in Cleveland, Ohio (Cuyahoga Cheerful Chirping Chicken Farms, LLC ®). I am further a Member of the Directorate of Immobilien, Wohnungen & Hoizer für Hühner GmbH (ImWoHoHü), an international Real Estates Company based in Zurich, Switzerland, which was founded by my late grandfather, Hühnerich Meissen Porzellan Graf von Scheissdorf.

As you can see, I am involved in all of the three businesses in which you have expressed an interest: Medicine, Poultry Production and Real Estates. I therefore believe, that I can assist you in your quest for opportunities that are profitable investment undertakings in my Country.

Although, at present, the Cleveland Heights Clinic’s Endophrenology Center is not seeking Joint Partners, we can provide you with several investment options with Good Long-Term Growth Prospects. There are also lucrative opportunities with regard to Cuyahoga Cheerful Chirping Chicken Farms, LLC ®, and Immobilien, Wohnungen & Hoizer für Hühner GmbH. Both companies are undercapitalised, although fiscally Sound and competently Managed, and are interested in forming Joint Ventures with discreet and trustworthy partners, to finance ambitious expansive plans to our mutual benefits.

At the present, these three Sectors (Medicine, Poultry and Real Estates) are cusped for a historic Convergence in the international markets, so I consider your proposal to be both fortuitous and timely. Poultry, undoubtedly as you know, is right at the centre of this Convergence. Recent discovery of the medical benefits of the chicken fats, which are under review by leading Medical Journals but not are yet publicised to the Public, will indubitably create unpresidented Growth Opportunities in the Poultry Industry. These Advances in Science have provided Conclusive Evidence that consumption of large quantities of fatty chicken parts can manage the violent Mood Swings associated with the Bipolar Disorder, outside the sometime disabling side-effects of the psychotropical drugs that are now available on the Market. But the potential application of chicken fats to the burgeoning health cares industry do not stops there. Of particular interest to my partners, is the discovery that a particular compound found only in the fat of the chicken, when applied liberally to the skull, all but eliminates the condition known as Male Pattern Baldness which tragically afflicts hundreds of millions of the men, throughout the world.

I myself directed one of these Researches at the Endophrenology Center, which demonstrate the proper cranial locations for administration of the compound (which we are preparing to market under the name Chifatizol ®) in order to achieve the best optimal results. I am specially proud of our findings, which have imploded the myth that the Anti-Baldness Preparation must be applied to the Bald Areas of the head. To the contrary, we have learned that the emollification of Chifatizol ® to the areas of the head where the hair remains, affectively fertilises the surviving hair folicles, thereby encouraging them to multiplicate towards the Hairless Areas.

How, you may ask, will the Real Estates Sector benefit from these discoveries? Quite simply, the projected Windfalling for the Poultry Industry will require the construction of chicken coops on massive scales. Immobilien, Wohnungen & Hoizer für Hühner GmbH is at the cutting edge of the pushing envelope of this emerging market trend! We expect our Holistic Design Concept of Chicken Coop Co-ops ® to prove very lucrative when fully develop. Simply puts, this revolutionary approach allows the chickens themselves to allocate Living Spaces according to their natural Pecking Order, thus reducing stress in the population and optimising, a better quality Product.

Of course, I would request the highest discretion concerning these developments, since neither the recent discovery concerning the healing properties of chicken fat nor ImWoHoHü’s planned Move into the Chicken Coop Co-op ® business has been announced to the Mediums. Therefore, you will not find reference to these matters on the Google, since they are highly secretive. Also, the Cleveland Heights Clinic and the Cuyahoga Cheerful Chirping Chicken Farms ® website is temporarily Offline due to denial-of-service spam. We apologise for these inconveniences. Our IT department is working on the problem and are confidence, that we are returning to the Online within a matter of weeks.

I can tell from your enquiries that already you are knowledgeable of these trends, and will choose amongst your various investment opportunities wisely. I am awaiting further discussions with your fund managers and bankers and anticipate many favorable outcomes.

Yours Truly Sincerely,

Dr. Tiffany Glas Grafin von Scheissdorf-Buttersworth, Dr.habil.med.Wiss.
Director of Endophrenology
The Cleveland Heights Clinic

I'll let you know if Mr. "Mark," the mark, bites.